The Great Togepi War
by Charles RocketBoy
Summary: The demonic egg-thing is rising, and the world shall face its wrath. The world needs heroes. What it's got are Team Rocket and Brock. The world is screwed.
1. The Great Chapter One!

Once upon a time a trio of Pokemon trainers found an egg. From that egg cameth Togepi, a vile being if ever there was one. It may have taken the form of a sweet baby, but the vigilant weren't fooled. They noticed its power. Noticed how Misty became more docile as Togepi drained her energy. Noticed how it remained a baby for several years. Noticed how it managed to nearly kill those around it when "innocently playing". Noticed the horrors it committed on a defenceless valley, brainwashing Pokemon into a hideous dance for its amusement until Mother Nature herself reared up in fury and tried to take him out. (What, you thought Pikachu's Rescue Mission was a harmless cartoon shoot? FOOLS.)

In short, Togepi was a horrific demonic force and its time would come soon.

This is the story of…

**THE GREAT TOGEPI WAR  
  
Chapter One**

-

As we join our heroes within Johto, we find they're… _oh dear God, that's disgusting_!  
    Sorry gentle viewers, we were looking in at Oak and Mrs Ketchum at Pallet by mistake. We apologise for any mental scarring.

    We now join our heroes as they sleep, four days away before the start Johto League and still only a grand total of four inches away from Ecruteak. With this speed, Ash should be done in plenty of time for next year.

    But while Ash sleeps and dreams of victory over a humiliated Gary, Brock dreams of things we can't explain due to this being a PG-13 fanfic and Pikachu dreams of giant shoes trying to eat him, Misty is attempting an act of rebellion.

    Her energy and vigour has been drained constantly by the leeching fiend of Togepi, and as a result she's not been able to hit people with mallets as much as she'd like to. _But no more_. Now, she has her mallet and she's going to goddamn bash Ash's head in to make up for lost time.

    "A one, a two, and away we-"  
    "_And what is this, pathetic wench?!_"  
    The vile egg-monster rose up from the ground, hovering in the air with its psychic power, and the expression of wrath on its face was terrible to behold.

    "You _dare_ to use your energy in a way that doesn't feed me?! I will not tolerate this insubordination! You know what this means."

    "NO!"  
    Despite her protests, Misty was teleported away from solid ground and off to the dreaded Tentacruel-infested waters near Aupulco. And as soon as she fell into the water completely naked (leading to the author's subsequent arrest by federal agents), it was alive with the thrashing of Tentacruel's as they rose up. In the lead came one with many thick, vicious tendrils and it opened its mouth to roar:  
    "Hello, I come from God and I'd like to tell you-"

    "Have you accepted Jesus into your life?!"  
    "Just donate all your life-savings to us and you might not go to hell-"

    "Don't you know God lives you-"

    "REPENT, DOOMED MORTAL!"  
    "_I'm sorry_!" sobbed Misty. "I won't rebel again! I won't! Just take me back, _please_!"

    Togepi lowered himself towards her, ready to teleport the two of them back. In doing so, the Tentacruel's caught sight of him.

   "Oh God, it's that Anti-Christ thing! Quick, get the holy water!"  
    splish

    "IT BURNS!" screamed Togepi. "**IT BURNSSSSSSSSSSSS!**"

Meanwhile, Team Rocket were planning something of great evil- they were going to dance in public. The horror.

    "Sound system?"  
    "Check!"  
    "Pyrotechnics?"  
    "Check!"  
    "Bishop to King Five?"  
    "Check!" Pause. "Dat was a really bad pun, Jessie."  
    Jessie waved off the cat and turned towards James. He was mooching in the corner, flipping through two scripts and looking confused.

    "What's the matter with you? We're dancing in public in skirts, fishnets and large breasts. Usually you're all over this stuff!"  
    "I know, but… This fanfic is being submitted to Pokemopolis, who demand that I'm gay, and also to an institute of infinite insipidness called Omigod Jessie/James Love Each Other Kawaii Palace, who demand that I'm a sensitive manly man. How can I be both at the same time?! Are we redoing each scene with me doing each take or-"

    "James, remember what happened last time you broke through the fourth wall?" said Jessie sternly.

    James sighed. "I tore open reality and let dread Cthulhu in where he killed untold millions…" he muttered.

    "And we don't want that happened again, do we?"  
   "_No_…"  
   "So get up and get ready to dance!"  
   "All right. I mean, er… all right, my beloved Jessie-poodle!"   
   "James, you know as well as I do that forced acting doesn't work."  
   "Sorry."  
   "Now, let's GO OUT THERE!"

    Without warning, Team Rocket leapt into action, dancing away like rabid dancing things whilst James alternately made passes at guys and spouted long speeches about his love for Jessie, and quickly got muddled up and spouted long speeches about making passes at guys. All whilst doing one mean ballet rendition.  
    But alas, Ash suddenly appeared despite having been asleep twenty miles away. His Spider-Sense had tingled and warned him that Team Rocket were still alive, and he'd arrived to put an end to that!  
    "I'll stop you from doing whatever it is you're doing this time! GO PIKACHU!"  
    "GO ARBOK!"  
    "GO KOFFING!"  
    Meowth blinked. "Er, Jimmy? Dat's Weezing."  
   "No, it's Koffing!"  
   "James, he's right. All you've done is cover up Weezing's second head and painted a big smile on his face. It's not Koffing."  
    Without warning, James started to cry.

    "But I miss him _so much_."

   "We know James. We do too."  
    Team Rocket hugged each other, crying their eyes out, and that's when Ash had them Thundershocked.

    "Yeah! That'll teach them to do non-criminal acts!"  
    To Weezing's dismay, the team had been blasted off without him. There would have been a time when Ash would have blown him up as well and he'd be happy about it- indeed, he'd have been happy about everything. But those days were gone and now James cried inwardly at the sight of him and little children threw petrol bombs at him.

    Well, no more.

    With a determined expression on his face, Weezing headed off into the night.

He was alone. Nobody seemed to have him under watch. Good.

   "This is Agent Brock. Togepi continues its façade of innocent babyness while its power continues to increase. I have achieved evidence that it has ties to other evil forces like Rupert Murdoch. He may be onto me- I'm requesting immediate evac or at least some reinforcements.

    "It appears that a local Nurse Joy may be aligned with Togepi. I need to investigate this- I'm requesting her address, phone number and a few dozen flowers all neatly wrapped up, STAT. Brock out."

The Orange Islands, home of sun, sand and drug smuggling.

    "What have we got, Snap?"  
    Snap (whose real name was Todd, but no-one deemed him worthy enough to remember his real name) continued to peer through his binoculars. "More and more Lapras are assembling. Seems we were right- Togepi is attempting to form a naval force from them. I wonder why?"  
    "Because they're evil and sucky," said Tracey. "Togepi to a T. We have to get this info back to base."  
    "I'll start taking snapshots now."  
    "Don't bother, I'll draw them."  
   "…NO. We are _not_ sending another intelligence report back to HQ with your crappy drawings that you've filled in with crayon. It's embarrassing."

    "Ahem- who's carrying the gun around here? Yes, it's me, isn't it."  
    "That's your answer to everything, fatarse!"

    "Well f- hang on, should we be yelling so loudly near the enemy ranks?"  
    "Probably not."  
    "Have they noticed?"  
    "Er… yes. And are heading this way."  
    "Shit." Pause. "This is all your fault, y'know."  
   Snap jumped to his feet and started to run, slowing as he realised Tracey wasn't following.

    "Come on!"  
    "No." The Watcher's face was resolute, his five chins stuck out defiantly. "I'm too lazy, too crap and too much of a fatty to run. I can at least cover your retreat. One of us has to warn HQ!"  
    Snap waited for a minute, then ran off. Tracey watched him go, then turned to open fire on the approaching hordes.

    He reflected that maybe it would have been a good idea to have actually kept his gun loaded.

-

Snap ran like he was being pursued by the hounds of Hell. Actually, his pursuers were Butterfree, screeching away with their whiny voices and opening fire with Psybeam. But he did not falter. He dodged and weaved, he took wounds without flinching, he never slowed down, he never stopped running.

    This cost him fatally when he came to the motorway.

"Another day, another huge explosion that knocks us into the stratosphere and has us land several kilometres away from where we started." Jessie paused. "How are we still alive?"  
    "Dunno, but don't draw da Universe's attention to it."  
    "Point. James, get dinner on."  
    "Of course, my soul's delight!" Pause, flip through the script. "Ooooooo! Spiffy!"  
    "_Stop doing that!_"  
    "What is fer dinner anyway?" asked Meowth.

    James tipped the contents of their food supplies out and looked through it. "One pea."  
    "Dat's it?"  
    "Oh, wait, there's a Pot Noodle here as well."  
    "One pea it is den."

    They gnawed away at that pea for a whole second, enjoying its sustenance. Then Jessie and James embarked on their usual nightly evil activity of discussing avante-garde theatre.

    And thus they failed to notice the figure until he was right on top of them.

    Seeing as he sported bizarrely-coloured hair in improbable spikes, wore a weird combination of casual gear and armour, and had a massive katana attached to his waist, this was pretty odd.

    "Team Rocket," he said, his voice being that of a ten-year-old seeing as he was one. "I come to you on a mission of-"

    "Who the fuck're you?"

    "An agent of the intelligence agency Antichrist Recon and Supression Enforcement."

    "Dressed like that?"  
    "It's my disguise."  
    "You stand out a mile!"  
    "We're in a fanfic based on anime," he said. "You'd be surprised how easily I can blend in."  
    "OK…and what do you want us for?"  
    "We need a team to provide evac and reinforcements for one of our agents. We wish to hire you."  
    "No," said James. "I'm sorry but I refuse to work for an organisation that calls itself A.R.S.E. Ye gods, such a _vulgar_ name! Don't you have any style, man?"  
    "We offer dental plan, pension schemes, two weeks paid vacation each year…" Sensing a lack of enthusiasm, he added: "And lots of guns to use anyway you want."  
    "SOLD!" cried Team Rocket in unison.

    "Excellent. Welcome to the war against Togepi. And I hope to god you're up to it."

    Jessie then turned to face the camera. Which was odd, as there was no camera.

    "And now we'd like to speak to you seriously for a moment."

    "It has come to our attention," said James, "that there have been much fanfiction written where female anime characters like Jessie get raped in graphic detail for the masturbatory aid of the readers."  
    "Indeed. Now, this Pichu here is the writer of said fics."  
    "Pichu!" pichued Pichu."  
    "This blender is us."  
    "Pichu?"

    "This is what will happen if you keep writing those fics," said Jessie, putting Pichu into the blender and turning it on. "I _am_ the great orator."

    "No Pichu's were harmed during the making of this message. Except for that one."

A.R.S.E. Central Base.

    "We've lost all contact with Tracey and Snap. We have to presume they're dead."

    Togepi's forces?  
    "Yes sir."  
    Mewtwo pressed his stubby digits together and glared from his seat. Very well. Initiate Operation H9.

    "Hold a big celebration with booze and strippers over Snap's death?"

    Indeed.

TO BE CONTINUED


	2. The Quite Late Chapter Two!

Mewtwo is no fool. He noticed the horrors of Togepi quickly and decided something must be done. Such an abomination can not be allowed existence and with a veritable army being formed by the freaky Egg-Beast…

    Mewtwo acted fast, establishing a secret agency devoted to opposing Togepi. It has operatives globally, it has many resources, it has more weapons than an NRA convention. It is our last hope.

    It is A.R.S.E.

    It's also thinking of changing its name.

**THE GREAT TOGEPI WAR  
  
Chapter Two**

There exists, in a mostly unexplored region of Johto (which means I can't be arsed to name somewhere), a great and wise monastery. Here, an order of wise monks meditate wisely and attempt to become one with the universe.

    To their horror, a Weezing has shown up.

    "What should we do, honourable master?"  
    "Beat it to death with our sticks."  
    "Wait!" cried Weezing. "I came all this way for your help! I need… I need to find a way to reverse my evolution. I need to become Koffing again."  
    The honourable monks paused at that. The wisest of them all stepped forwards, his brow lined with wisdom and wrinkles.  
    "This will be a harsh road, young Weezing. You will have to undergo many trials. You may not even survive."  
    "I don't care. Whatever it takes."  
    "Then maybe there is hope for you." He picked up his stick and hit Weezing over the head with it. "First, we need to hit you a lot with our sticks."  
    "Really?"  
    "Yes. This is a very vital part of the process. Really."  
  


"This needs to be quick and clean," said Jessie. "We go in, retrieve Brock, get out. Do not attempt to engage the egg-thing."

    "How are we doing this without the twerp trouncing us and blasting us off into the ether? …my beloved soul's delight."

    "Stop doing that, James. Anyway, the plan is simple. Meowth?"  
    The cat stepped forward, clad in commando fatigues he'd been saving for just such an occasion. "Dis is a war," he growled, "and I don't like losin'."  
   "So why are you still with us?" asked James.

   "And ta win, we need ta know our enemy," continued Meowth, blissfully ignoring the comment on the outside and crying at its truth on the inside. "So I worked out dis. Corporal Wobbufett?"

    "WOBBB!" he cried, snapping off a salute and pulling out a detailed map.

    "First, we need Ash, Pikachu and Togepi distracted. So we'll place a shiny piece of metal here, where Ash'll see it and try usin' his Pokedex ta find out what Pokemon it is. That'll keep da twerp occupied for an hour or so.

    "Next, we plant dis sign warnin' about a nearby mind-field. Togepi'll see it and set off acting baby-like and innocent so Pikachu will have ta follow it and thus get put in danger. We've got maybe two minutes before he realises there ain't real mines and comes for us. We need Brock before then.

    "We'll need speed ta accomplish this. So we're using these bitchin' motorbikes to zoom through, grab Brocko and speed off."  
    "Why motorbikes?" asked James.

    "Coz it'll look cool. And da fans wanna see Jessie in tight leather."  
    "Well, can't disappoint the fans now can I?" said Jessie in sultry tones, batting her eyes suggestively at where she thought the camera was. (In actual fact, she missed it entirely and was giving a Caterpie signals.)

    "I wanna wear tight leather too," whined James.

    "Sure, knock yerself out."

    "Right. Into the breach then! **FORWARD, TEAM ROCKET! NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER**!"  
    They set off to accomplish their task. A minute later, Jessie gave a disgusted cry of "What _is_ that Caterpie doing? Get it away!".

The mission had been well-planned and well-executed. All key figures were out of the field of play, allowing Team Rocket a clear shot at grabbing Brock and accelerating off before Togepi noticed.

    "We come from A.R.S.E.!" said James. "We've come to take you back to HQ!"  
    "No!" screamed Brock, turning his head back towards the way they'd come. "I left them behind!"  
    "We can't help Ash and Misty. I'm sorry."  
    "Not them! My porn! We have to go back!"  
    "We're not going back, damn it!" snarled Jessie. "There are always casualties in war, Brock! Just move on and rebuild!"  
    "YOU HEARTLESS BITCH! Don't you care about the _cost_ of warfare anymore?!"  
    "You can have my porn," said James.

    "THAT'S NOT THE SAME AND YOU KNOW IT!"  
    Sensing an impasse, Meowth resorted to dirty tactics and said "Ivy".

    "…_that name_…"  
    Once more, they had to wonder what had happened to Brock on that island.

    And so a flashback loomed out of the night, which they swerved to avoid…

_Brock's bedroom lay next to Ivy's. He wished it didn't. He had no protection here._

_    He heard the footsteps outside. He heard the mutterings of several female voices. _

_    He heard them go into the adjourning room and then he heard many things. Many, many things. Including, over and over, the breathless cry of "oh Professor Ivy!" or some variant._

_    Over and over, every night, taunting his virginal state and emphasising that Ivy & her friends were having sex that he never could…_

Jessie looked back at the flashback in disgust.

    "That's it? You fucking wuss, Brock."  
    "Leave me alone! You can't understand my pain!"  
    "Your pain comes from Professor Ivy having sex with women and never you due to her homosexuality. Bollocks to your pain."  
    "YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND MY PAIN!"

    Jessie took out a hammer and smashed it over Brock's head.

    "Now _that's_ pain worth moaning about."

    "_Medic_…"

"Your allies think you dead. There is no help coming."  
    "Ah well," said Tracey. "Shit happens."  
    "SILENCE!" roared Togepi.

   He was not having a good day. Someone had snatched Brock, he'd failed to put Pikachu in mortal danger, and the Lapras hordes were talking about forming a Union. Torturing a prisoner would be a good pick-me-up.

    "You will tell us all you know about A.R.S.E.'s main base- its location, its defences. Or you will suffer."  
    "Ha! That's where you're stuffed! Coz I don't know anything!"  
    "You don't know where your own main base is?"  
    "Nope. Nobody told me."  
    "So how do you send your intelligence reports to them?"  
    "They have a Hotmail account."  
    "…Sod it, I'm going to pull off your kneecaps anyway. HAHAHAHA!"  
    "Meh."  
    "MEH?! I talk of ripping parts of your body off, and you act nonchalant?!" Togepi thought for a moment. "All right then. All right. CORPORAL VULPIX! Take the prisoner and force him to listen to Justin Timberlake until his brain melts."  
    "NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! NOOOOOOOOO!"

    Tracey was dragged out, fighting to the last. Togepi roared with drunken laughter at this futile resistance, and then turned Naval Commander Lapras. (If you think it's confusing when all the Pokemon characters are named after their species, pity the guy who has to command an army of Lapras all called Lapras)

    "What is the timeline on Plan Alpha?"  
    "Everything goes according to plan. A week or so, and we'll be in position."  
    "Excellent. We'll wipe out all key military targets whilst our missile arsenal releases cannabis into the air. Every living thing will breathe it in and be too stoned out of their gourd to do anything to oppose me! By the time it wears off, I'll have total control over the planet and my reign of terror shall begin! HAHAHAA!"  
   "I know all this. Why are you telling me again?"  
   "Union laws. All villains have recap their schemes at some point, preferable to the heroes."  
    "Isn't that counter-productive?"  
    "That's what _I_ said and the bastards suspended my medical benefits over it…"  
  


In Viridian City, Butch and Cassidy faced off against that Marowak trainer from that episode that one time.

    Pokemon faced Pokemon, blow met blow.

    This has bog-all to do with the plot but we needed some filler.

TO BE CONTINUED. MAYBE.


End file.
